5 tips on raising children while living abroad
Top Tips From a Parenting Coach for Parents Parenting abroad
It is already difficult to be a parent, but when you are a parent living abroad; more obstacles and difficulties can come that most parents wouldn’t have to face when they are living in their home country. For example, learn a new language, adapt to culture and even simple things like shopping. To top it off, we have to learn to raise our children in a new country while trying to balance our own culture and language.
I am a parenting coach, that comes from a psychology background so I focus a lot of the impact of our feelings and experiences, and how they can help move us forward for keep us stuck.
So when I think of people moving abroad and parenting internationally I first and foremost think of the initial impact of a move to a different country and culture. The emotional impact. Moving to a new home is one of the 5 top stressors, and that is without it even being to a different country with new ways of doing things, a new language and possibly a new climate to adapt to as well.
So remember to be kind to yourself. It will take a while to adjust, and though there will be excitement, there is bound to also be some sadness about the loss you’ve experienced by moving. Everyone copes differently with loss, and it’s natural to feel good and feel less good about the move at times. The best thing you can do as a parent, is to be authentic about your emotions around your children. By that I mean, acknowledge that it’s hard for you sometimes too. Share your happiness and excitement with them, but also share your feelings of homesickness or missing your friends and family. Make sure it is age appropriate sharing though so you’re not overloading them, or making them feel they have to carry your feelings too. You are after all the adult, and they are children. However, by sharing how you really feel, and not trying to hide away the difficulties you may be experiencing, your children see that you’re human too, and that all feelings are allowed, and even the “negative” ones can be survived. Remember feelings just need feeling, they don’t need fixing. They will pass, whether they are good or bad. Just by naming how you are feeling is already a big step. You can be a wonderful role model for them in this way and help develop their emotional literacy.
Celebrate the two different cultures. Try new things. Lead by example. There are bound to be new and very different ways of doing things in the new place you’re moving to. Do a little research before you go, and ask around when you get there. What is this new place known for? Are there sights to see? Foods to eat? Experiences to be had that are unique to this new place. Be openminded, as I am sure you already are, to new experiences, but also remember to stay in touch with the familiar. This will not only keep you grounded in your own culture, but will also instil a sense of security in your child. We as humans like what is known, predictable, and familiar, and we need things like that as we adjust to a new place.
Stretch your comfort zone. Moving somewhere new means having to have courageous conversations, as you meet new people. Be resilient and don’t take it personally if people don’t open their arms to your right away. It takes time for people to open up to newcomers sometimes, so remember that is not about YOU. It says more about them, than you. That is about how open and trusting they are. The great thing with having children or pets, is that you get to meet a lot of other adults through them, whether you’re out walking your dog, or attending things at your child’s school/kindergarten. So these are all great opportunities for small talk, getting to know some new people in a non-threatening way. By putting yourself out there, you are being incredibly brave, and this is another wonderful thing to role model for your kids. Be persistent until you find the people you click with. The more you can courageously be yourself, the more likely you are to attract the right people, because they will be a bit like you too! Birds of a feather flock together, and you will find your people eventually. Join clubs, organisations, volunteer, or find an expat community to be a part of. All these things will help. Remember that the flip side of vulnerability is courage, and you can’t be brave without doing things that feel a little scary sometimes.
Show willingness. The more international parents I speak with, the more the theme of language comes up. Whether or not to raise your children bilingual (or multilingual), what language to speak at home with them, whether or not to only speak the language of the new country you’re in, or whether to only speak your mother tongue and a common language such as English for example, are hot topics.
The advice I encounter time and time again is to show the locals that you are willing to learn. By learning even just a few useful phrases, you are showing openness, participation, and that you believe this new place and the people there are worth the effort. Perhaps you have an ear for languages and want to throw yourself into wholeheartedly, perhaps you are more timid. But learning some words and using them is a fantastic place to start.
The other thing that came up a lot for international parents was not letting go of your mother tongue. So many parents wished they could’ve gone back in time and made sure their child picked up several languages. Children are like little sponges soaking up languages while their brains are still developing, and it’s such a gift to give them if they can have more than one language they can speak fluently. So be persistent, don’t give up, and keep the balance between new and already spoken languages.
Remember who you are. This is perhaps the most important one. When people move to new places, they sometimes feel worried that they won’t fit in. Some people swing the other way and get all rebellious about it, but mostly people try to adapt to be accepted as much as possible. Of course, this is also so dependent on where you have moved to and how open they are to newcomers, foreigners and people who do things differently to them. Just like peer pressure at school, we may feel like we need to become something that we are not, in order to be liked and accepted into this new community. It’s a balancing act, because as much as we do want to show our good side to new friends and colleagues, we MUST remain true to ourselves. When you try hard to be something you’re not, you are not only sending a very powerful message to your subconscious mind that who you truly are is not ‘good enough’, but also you will not be as good at being this ‘new you’ as you are at being the real you. You are the best at being you, the authentic you. No one else has your sense of humour, sense of adventure, and unique combination of personality traits, so be that instead. Showcase the real you - because that’s where your strengths lie.
Once again, by doing this, you are giving your children a gift. They are seeing a person who is solid and grounded enough in themselves and their self-worth to know that they ARE good enough. They DO belong. This shows your children that it’s also okay for them to be their selves too. Not everyone will click with who you are, but that’s okay, that’s how it was “back home” too. Only there you had established friendships, so it may not have felt like as big a deal to you then. So lean on your old friendships while you develop new ones to supplement and enhance your circle of friends.
How can a parenting coach help you as you move and parent abroad? They can help you find your own unique way to parent, help you tap into your own parenting intuition, and help you grow a strong sense of self-worth so you are less rocked by the challenges of moving to a new place where so many things are unfamiliar and different.
I actually run an online boot camp where I teach mothers the tools to explode into their own sense of self-worth and confidence so that they feel really solidly grounded in the parenting decisions that they make. This can really help international parents who are feeling self-doubt or feeling like they have a moments of not being ‘good enough’, whether that’s at learning a new language, making new friends, or something else.
We all have many different facets of our personality; our inner critic and our inner cheerleader and just some of them. I give mothers the tools to turn up the volume on their inner cheerleader, tapping them into their strength, resourcefulness and resilience, while at the same time turning down the volume on the voice of their inner critic. If you’re interested get in touch with me to have a free conversation to see if the Saturated Love Boot Camp is right for you.
By Camilla Gammelgaard-Baker
